This subject may sound odd to you but it truly is another topic we tend to shy away from.
Looks.
Yes, we are well aware of society’s pressure on looks. We are reminded every time we hop on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, or any media. But while we are all aware of the pressures of looking good, we don’t what to talk about what’s happening on the inside when we see these things. What’s going through our heads, what’s happening to our self-esteem, and the tornado of negative thoughts that are destroying us.
I AM MORE THAN MY LOOKS. I saw that quote and it seems obvious. But saying it and believing it are two different things. Most of my life I've spent just saying it, trying to believe it, but not always succeeding at it. This past year or so I've finally gotten to a place of believing it, but it wasn't without a LOT of changes to get there.
For me looks have always come down to my hair. I think if my hair looks good, then I look good and therefore I am worthy. These past couple years I’ve gone through so many different hairstyles. I mean drastic hairstyles, from my normal medium brown hair, to attempting to be blonde, to extensions that were super blonde, to dark brown extensions, to now back to my original shoulder length dark brown hair.
Now stay with me, because my hair transitions can outline my transformations in ways.
My normal medium length brown hair: It was me, it’d been what I usually did and I started going through a divorce. I liked how I looked. I started to like my shadow; like who I was. But my world was changing and I needed an outward change to match my inward change. So I started doing the process of going blonde. When I have felt invisible in life, I've taken the drastic change to go blonde a few times. In hopes of being seen; in hopes of feeling like a totally different person. Of course the obvious solution was go blonde and they will notice me. Ha ya right! Little did I know.
Going blonde: It made me feel like I was seeing a different person, so to some extent it was helpful. Doing an outward change to match my inward change. But the reality is fake methods of change equals limited results. I thought the blonde was looking good. But, it was destroying my hair. It was destroying my inward work too because I was trying to love a different version of myself and not truly loving myself. So I had to cut my hair shorter to get rid of the damaged ends. Frustrating change. Going blonde is like the "rebound" guy haha, it was my "rebound" color. It sounds good, like it will fix the problem, but it actually just hides the problems on the outside instead of doing the work inside.
Extensions: Which lead me to extensions. Brilliant idea right, continue to “fake” it. Well it wasn’t all that bad. I have always wanted long hair and I have never been able to grow it. I loved finally getting long hair. The idea was that if I didn’t look the same as I did before, I wouldn’t ever have to feel the same again. I wouldn’t have to feel that pain of not being loved, or being ignored, or ignoring red flags because I didn’t see my worth. Expensive outside fix, instead of working on loving myself from inward out. But I started to realize that I needed to focus more on the inside change not the outside one. Don’t get me wrong there is a place for outside change but it has to be a balance. We are not defined by our looks and any attempt to do just that ends in heartbreak and sadness.
Extensions came out, short brown hair: Oofta, this one made a mess of me. I got my extensions out and I was not prepared for the emotional issues that were about to arise due to this. I broke down in tears multiple times. I didn’t like how short my hair was and I thought I looked terrible. I felt like a worse version of my old self and that felt truly awful inside and out. There was plethora of negative thoughts and words going on in my head. Which lead to me breaking down and coming to a few realizations.
I’ve always chosen guys infatuated with me because I didn't love myself. They were so infatuated their love for me overcompensated for that fact that I didn't love me.
I was scared that someone wouldn’t love me if my hair was ugly. Which is ridiculous I know, but it was a metaphor for I thought if someone saw the real me, they wouldn't love me. But all along it was me who struggled with loving me.
It was time for a hairy restart because hair and looks do not equal love. I am not defined by my looks. I need to love my whole self.
As I was breaking down, I realized that my hair looked like it did the first time I colored it when I was 16. That was when I was going through depression, my parents were going through a divorce, and my first time boyfriend had broken up with me. BAM! That was the big realization I needed to see all of this. I’d been using my hair as a coping mechanism since then. So here it was staring me in the face that I looked like I did when I was 16 prior to many many chaotic things in my life, and it felt like this is my chance to restart. To stop sweeping those three major realizations under the rug by just changing my hair and to face them.
I started to learn to love myself. I started to learn that I am more than my hair, more than my looks. I hope by doing so and talking about what seems like a ridiculous topic that I can and others can start or continue the process of truly loving yourself and truly believing you have value.
Takeaway: So whatever it may be for you that you are hiding behind and using to cope, unhid and face what’s in front of you. Face yourself and believe you are beautiful inside and out, because you are. Believe you don’t need anyone else but yourself to tell you that. Finally, believe you are important and have value, because you do. Because I have yet to meet a single soul who isn't valuable.
Unlearning: Change your looks to love yourself.
Learning: I love all of me.
Comments